Stressful thoughts at first kept me awake and then proceeded to invade my dream, parading a horrorshow of things I did not want to think about spliced with images I couldn’t understand, until my mind could take it no longer and finally achieved oblivion.
ii) Difficult conversation
It was a difficult conversation to have and I was exhausted by the work that went into making it happen but afterwards I was glad that I had, although thinking back on it made me anxious.
We did what we were told and fuelled the machine, kept things ticking along as requested until suddenly everything was different.
Those moments of release meant everything, the only times when I truly forgot the crushing weight of my tedious responsibilities and prescribed destiny.
I felt light headed and put out a hand to steady myself as things started to go blurry round the edges and then everything in front of me melted into unexpected shapes and indescribable colours. After a few seconds it passed and I tentatively straightened up, still feeling wobbly.
I felt a scared, but in a way that felt almost pleasurable – the suburban streets were dramatically lit by streetlamps, making me feel like I was a character in a film and something was about to happen.
I had always been a sensuous person (taking pleasure in cupping the rails of hanging necklaces in Topshop in my palm, raising and lowering my hand to feel their weight and slippery solidness) and there was something about the way it moved that relaxed me.
It seemed ironic that whilst I attempted to curb my self-destructive impulses, the world around me seemed more intent on destruction than ever.
I could never seem to make a dent in the mounting pile of tasks and I felt drained by the amount of care I seemed to be expected to give to people who could easily care for themselves.
I was jealous of his easy and undemanding friendships, which had been solidified over many years, but I made sure to keep putting myself in situations where I could experience that togetherness too, even if it was more precarious and less unconditional.
My journey was mind-numbing at first but as I travelled deeper into the heart of the city and then out again into the open countryside, I felt a twinge of excitement.
I savoured the rare moment of stillness, knowing it wouldn’t last long.
a shorthand for violence is a video playlist originally produced for Cosmos Carl and viewable on YouTube.